The pregnancy crazies are affecting me worse than ever. We don't have a working tub or shower at George's parents' house, so we usually wash our hair in the sink or go to Jeremy's to bathe. This is driving me insane. Because recently I've been hit with the 'I'm not good enough because you go ERP on the Yiffstar forum' bug. It's... god, it's bugging me badly. to the point I sit around the house in my sexy sheer Lip Service Astrovamp gown, or my sexy little lolita dress, even though the skirt hurts my prgnant belly, or my pleather-and-velvet corset-style top and my chinese goth pants, looking like i'm ready for a night of clubbing just to sit here and play world of warcraft. ...Thankfully the house is empty most of the time this week. I get all dolled up and.. just sit here. brooding because I'm short and fat and I don't have the pronounced jawline or gaunt cheeks or alabaster skin that most girls appear to have.

Do you know I have a whole fodler of favorites dedicated to making myself feel as ugly as sin? go look at it, see what I'm competeing with in my mind every day. Those women and girls are fucking beautiful.. i can't even do my own makeup >.> I just fail. at fucking everything. and I know my daughter will be beautiful. It skips a generation. My aunt is beautiful, my mom's pretty. Skip me, I'm hideous. the next step is Gorgeous. Hopefully Emilie won't have the self-esteem issues her mother has. It's just not fair. I -can't- be beautiful, because I'm not flat. it gets drilled into our brains. I find women my size gorgeous, just not ME. what the hell is wrong with me? why is nothing I do good enough for me?


I dont mean to whine. -sigh- I just want to be able to look in the mirror and not be disgusted.